A revalation

I ask you to forgive the non sequitor way that some of these posts are going. Don't forget I've had almost three months now of history before I began this blog.

Last week, on Wednesday, I had an amazing revelation.

I was sitting with Sarah when all of a sudden all of the stress of these thoughts hit me like a tidal wave. To say I was crying would be like saying it's raining during a monsoon. In between sobs I was able to get out the fact that I knew death was coming. It was a static date in history.

I just kept saying, I don't want to go through it. Imagine something terrifying you knew you had to go through, the death of a friend, a divorce, being fired from work, whatever and multiple by 1,000. It was this dreadful thing in the distance that I can't slow down or deter. I can't outhink it or outtalk it. It's coming.

Like I said I lost it.

I kind of calmed down and Sarah went to get ready for bed. I stayed down to pray and had an amazing conversation with God. Then Luke 9:24 just started playing through my head. "He who wishes to save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for my sake, will save it." I just started giving up my life to God.

I don't care about what I want.

I've already discovered this life is a blip on the eternal radar screen. What does it matter. My treasure is in heaven. It was an amazingly freeing feeling.

Now each day I have to keep reminding myself to offer up my life because I have this bad habit of wanting to take it back.