A personal story

This blog is a whole new departure for me. Different from my blog on marketing and design, this is on my life, and my struggle. It's actually really personal. I've been told that's a bad blog, but I think what I have here can be a testament to others.

I'm actually struggling with my faith. Not whether or not I believe in God, that is Jesus Christ and the Trinity but to what extent am I willing to live that out and to what depth CAN I believe.

About two months ago I found a strange lump on my throat. It was becoming pretty hard to swallow and so I made an appointment with a doctor.

The night before the appointment lying in bed I began to imagine death, in intimate detail. Only last year a friend and workout partner, about 31, strong as an ox, had been diagnosed with cancer. I saw him once more before he died a few months later.

I imagine that death will feel a lot like being put to sleep for surgery. You'll want to stay awake but won't be able to and once you fall asleep, all consciousness is lost. So, if that's what the last moments feel like, what do the NEXT moments feel like?

What does stepping from here to eternity feel like?

The question alone made me panic. I begged God for my salvation and for His love. I also realized I wasn't confident anyone was listening. My faith was tiny.

To say I didn't believe in God would be a misstatement. I certainly didn't believe in anything else. That's just not hard for me. I don't believe that Allah or Buddha is God. My fear was more that nothing was there, which consciously I knew was absolutely stupid.

For those atheists and agnostics out there that seem and insult and I'm sorry. I'll explain why that isn't hard for me later.

Eternity is big. REALLY big. The gravity of the concept forever was just too much. I don't decide on car insurance without talking to someone. I don't buy a house until I've seen it. The idea that I'm making a choice (*my beliefs actually state that I don't have a choice, that once called by God his glory is so beautiful that I am not able to resist it, called irresistible grace) that will effect all of eternity, by the way a really long time, seemed impossible to comprehend.

I panicked.

For two months.

I didn't sleep, or eat, everyday things were framed in a constant fear and panic. The world actually looked a little more gray.

Words on a screen can't express the depth of this emotion.

So in all this I feel that my struggle can be a testament to others. For those who aren't sure, you aren't alone. That doesn't mean you're right but your struggle is the result of the longing you have. You live in a fallen world.

My goal in this opening post is to set the stage. Being a little more into this I've already had some amazing things happen, I've had some amazing panic attacks. But, in all this God is calling me closer to himself and into a deeper relationship with Him.

My biggest question has been if I'm destined for Glory why even go through this frail and impotent world of paper shadows. Tonight I got my answer: for His glory.

So this is my journal, to be a testament to the world, as I step from here to eternity.

*p.s. the CAT scan and blood work came out clean.