It's not about space mountain

When I was around seven years old my family decided to take a big family trip to Disney World. This was big news obviously. There was packing to be done, trips to Wal-Mart for sun screen, fanny packs, and t-shirts and general preparations.

The day came though that we loaded up the car and started from our home in Birmingham, Alabama to Orlando, Florida. Before we were on the highway I was ready to be out of the car and hugging Mickey. But, we had at least a seven hour drive ahead of us.

For a seven year old this might as well have been a form of Chinese water torture. At that point in my life seven hours was a pretty significant portion of my living experiences. I must have drove my parents crazy...are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet?

When we arrived my elation was heightened by the wait. For a seven year old this might as well have been heaven.

I wonder what I forgot though as an adult. When did I start desiring the appetizer more than dessert? Why am I so afraid of the destination?

Right now I'm literally doing everything I can to prolong my life and my families life. I'm borderline obsessed with my health, and believe it or not that's borderline unhealthy.

I can't imagine as a seven year old boy asking my parents to take the scenic route through the Okefenokee on our way to Orlando. I wanted to get to the destination, where the fun was, where Mickey was.

It makes me think maybe I don't understand or believe what heaven is going to be like. So I did a little searching.

In Psalm 16 it says: "in your presence there is fullness of joy, at your right hand there is pleasures forevermore." Sounds a lot better than the pain of this world. I don't think anyone would question the failings of our temporal world. Haiti, Phuket, Rwanda, cancer, AIDS, homelessness 2 miles from my house, divorce, broken promises, job loss-- the list could go on. Our joy isn't here.

Revelation continues the theme, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Sounds pretty good to me.

I personally like this one: "Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to like his glorious body." I'm pretty sure Jesus had a six pack. Ok maybe a little irreverent but I do have ulcers, my friends have cancer and right now I have a stuffy nose. I'm pretty sure that the body scripture is talking about here doesn't suffer those earthly ills.

Not sure if you've been to Disney World or not but if you have you may remember that there is this large arch on the main road as you leave the "real world" and enter the fantasy of Disney. It's maybe the pinnacle of excitement for a child. You've arrived. You're here, the rest of this place was made for you, by hand, by a maker that was excited for you.

John 14:2 says that God's "house" has many rooms and that Jesus left here to "prepare a place for us". I don't know if heaven will have gates or even a big sign that says "you're here" but I know that my joy will be "made full" when I arrive.

Until then I'm going to "hold it" as much as I can, try and enjoy the journey, with excitement towards the destination.

The hound of heaven

I had really wanted to journal all my thoughts day by day that they might be a record of what's going on, but I've found them too fickle. If I were to journal every change in my mercurial mood I would do nothing but write.

The last months have been fairly good. I've come to some conclusions that around this fear of death is a true clinical depression that hampers my progress. Perhaps even that my crisis is more of chemistry than faith.

But, that leaves a single question unresolved to my satisfaction: Why would God not deliver me from it? In many things I can accept that God leaves us to the devices he allowed us to create, medicines and such. In matters of faith though I expect the Holy Spirit to step in and essentially say, "I've got this one."

I've picked back up my apologetic readings. Tonight I was reading Ravi Zacharias' book Jesus Among Other Gods. The first chapter is really about his story of how God pursued him.

Towards the end he reads from a poem by Francis Thompson titled The Hound of Heaven. In it Thompson outlines his desperate attempts to flee God and the measured persistence of God to pursue him. That made me think. While Thompson fled God I want to pursue intimacy with Him richly. Why then does Thompson feel the persistent presence and I feel the chilly absence.

I say absence somewhat in hyperbole. Sure, I do feel God but when I seek Him the most I feel He steps away. It's almost as though he will always stay a given distance. If I go two steps forward, He goes two back. If I go two back, He steps forward two.

This makes me question, does God love me. Rarely do I read of people feeling the way I do. That frightens me. Is that because I'm not like them, maybe that I've been forsaken in some way.

That's a feeling, my logic steps in and tells me something different. But then again if this were all logic I'd have been just fine months ago.

Books I'm reading

One of the pastors I've been talking to the other day asked me if I wanted to be argued into my faith. In a sense, yes.

I'm seeking to meet my faith with my reason. Being made in the likeness of God, He gave me reason much like his own. So my exploration of my understanding is really me fulfilling the way in which God made me.

So here are a few books I'm reading right now to go through that (links to Amazon included):
Mere Christianity
Jesus Among other gods
The Case for Faith (not a lot right now)
Branding Faith (not directly linked to this journey but still an awesome book I'm reading that is faith related)
The Bible

There are a few more here and there but those are the ones I'm working on daily. I also have a list of upcoming books I want to read.

Next Steps

Today's challenge has been a lot like the others, I simply fear death.

I think a lot of this boils down to that I'm closing a chapter of my life and moving to the next. While I have a lot left to live it has made the concept of death very poignant. It's just an overall sense of dread which goes back to my earlier statement, eternity is a really long time so you better be sure.

Today as I close out my day the thought that allows me to sleep is that I am sure (tonight). Just like the name of this blog says I know I'm not dying as much as I'm stepping from this life into eternity. It's simply another chapter, a bridge.

Drugs

Guys I've mentioned I don't have it together here. This is sort of a journal for me as I walk through this thing (I keep calling it a thing, maybe that is somehow less frightening).

This weekend was another kind of frightening time for me. It's so weird. I don't doubt God, heaven, eternity, any of it. Yet I find myself dreading death. So silly I think.

Today is one of those days.

I had a thought- maybe if I'm confident in my salvation, the existence of God, and the eternity of heaven, the rest is physiological. After all I have been diagnosed with some sort of mild depression and obsessive tendencies (I told you I was being open).

Maybe after I feel confident in those the rest is up to Prozac?

Just a thought.

Mid-life

In case you didn't know I'm 27. Not that old but for me I'm closing a chapter of my life. No longer can I be tired to my youth. Season-wise I'm about a third through. Maybe that's why I'm suddenly thinking about this so much.

A revalation

I ask you to forgive the non sequitor way that some of these posts are going. Don't forget I've had almost three months now of history before I began this blog.

Last week, on Wednesday, I had an amazing revelation.

I was sitting with Sarah when all of a sudden all of the stress of these thoughts hit me like a tidal wave. To say I was crying would be like saying it's raining during a monsoon. In between sobs I was able to get out the fact that I knew death was coming. It was a static date in history.

I just kept saying, I don't want to go through it. Imagine something terrifying you knew you had to go through, the death of a friend, a divorce, being fired from work, whatever and multiple by 1,000. It was this dreadful thing in the distance that I can't slow down or deter. I can't outhink it or outtalk it. It's coming.

Like I said I lost it.

I kind of calmed down and Sarah went to get ready for bed. I stayed down to pray and had an amazing conversation with God. Then Luke 9:24 just started playing through my head. "He who wishes to save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for my sake, will save it." I just started giving up my life to God.

I don't care about what I want.

I've already discovered this life is a blip on the eternal radar screen. What does it matter. My treasure is in heaven. It was an amazingly freeing feeling.

Now each day I have to keep reminding myself to offer up my life because I have this bad habit of wanting to take it back.