As I step

It's not about space mountain

2010-02-04T05:16:00.000-08:00

When I was around seven years old my family decided to take a big family trip to Disney World. This was big news obviously. There was packing to be done, trips to Wal-Mart for sun screen, fanny packs, and t-shirts and general preparations.

The day came though that we loaded up the car and started from our home in Birmingham, Alabama to Orlando, Florida. Before we were on the highway I was ready to be out of the car and hugging Mickey. But, we had at least a seven hour drive ahead of us.

For a seven year old this might as well have been a form of Chinese water torture. At that point in my life seven hours was a pretty significant portion of my living experiences. I must have drove my parents crazy...are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet?

When we arrived my elation was heightened by the wait. For a seven year old this might as well have been heaven.

I wonder what I forgot though as an adult. When did I start desiring the appetizer more than dessert? Why am I so afraid of the destination?

Right now I'm literally doing everything I can to prolong my life and my families life. I'm borderline obsessed with my health, and believe it or not that's borderline unhealthy.

I can't imagine as a seven year old boy asking my parents to take the scenic route through the Okefenokee on our way to Orlando. I wanted to get to the destination, where the fun was, where Mickey was.

It makes me think maybe I don't understand or believe what heaven is going to be like. So I did a little searching.

In Psalm 16 it says: "in your presence there is fullness of joy, at your right hand there is pleasures forevermore." Sounds a lot better than the pain of this world. I don't think anyone would question the failings of our temporal world. Haiti, Phuket, Rwanda, cancer, AIDS, homelessness 2 miles from my house, divorce, broken promises, job loss-- the list could go on. Our joy isn't here.

Revelation continues the theme, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Sounds pretty good to me.

I personally like this one: "Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to like his glorious body." I'm pretty sure Jesus had a six pack. Ok maybe a little irreverent but I do have ulcers, my friends have cancer and right now I have a stuffy nose. I'm pretty sure that the body scripture is talking about here doesn't suffer those earthly ills.

Not sure if you've been to Disney World or not but if you have you may remember that there is this large arch on the main road as you leave the "real world" and enter the fantasy of Disney. It's maybe the pinnacle of excitement for a child. You've arrived. You're here, the rest of this place was made for you, by hand, by a maker that was excited for you.

John 14:2 says that God's "house" has many rooms and that Jesus left here to "prepare a place for us". I don't know if heaven will have gates or even a big sign that says "you're here" but I know that my joy will be "made full" when I arrive.

Until then I'm going to "hold it" as much as I can, try and enjoy the journey, with excitement towards the destination.

The hound of heaven

2008-06-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

I had really wanted to journal all my thoughts day by day that they might be a record of what's going on, but I've found them too fickle. If I were to journal every change in my mercurial mood I would do nothing but write.

The last months have been fairly good. I've come to some conclusions that around this fear of death is a true clinical depression that hampers my progress. Perhaps even that my crisis is more of chemistry than faith.

But, that leaves a single question unresolved to my satisfaction: Why would God not deliver me from it? In many things I can accept that God leaves us to the devices he allowed us to create, medicines and such. In matters of faith though I expect the Holy Spirit to step in and essentially say, "I've got this one."

I've picked back up my apologetic readings. Tonight I was reading Ravi Zacharias' book Jesus Among Other Gods. The first chapter is really about his story of how God pursued him.

Towards the end he reads from a poem by Francis Thompson titled The Hound of Heaven. In it Thompson outlines his desperate attempts to flee God and the measured persistence of God to pursue him. That made me think. While Thompson fled God I want to pursue intimacy with Him richly. Why then does Thompson feel the persistent presence and I feel the chilly absence.

I say absence somewhat in hyperbole. Sure, I do feel God but when I seek Him the most I feel He steps away. It's almost as though he will always stay a given distance. If I go two steps forward, He goes two back. If I go two back, He steps forward two.

This makes me question, does God love me. Rarely do I read of people feeling the way I do. That frightens me. Is that because I'm not like them, maybe that I've been forsaken in some way.

That's a feeling, my logic steps in and tells me something different. But then again if this were all logic I'd have been just fine months ago.

Books I'm reading

2008-05-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

One of the pastors I've been talking to the other day asked me if I wanted to be argued into my faith. In a sense, yes.

I'm seeking to meet my faith with my reason. Being made in the likeness of God, He gave me reason much like his own. So my exploration of my understanding is really me fulfilling the way in which God made me.

So here are a few books I'm reading right now to go through that (links to Amazon included):
Mere Christianity
Jesus Among other gods
The Case for Faith (not a lot right now)
Branding Faith (not directly linked to this journey but still an awesome book I'm reading that is faith related)
The Bible

There are a few more here and there but those are the ones I'm working on daily. I also have a list of upcoming books I want to read.

Next Steps

2008-05-19T21:41:00.000-07:00

Today's challenge has been a lot like the others, I simply fear death.

I think a lot of this boils down to that I'm closing a chapter of my life and moving to the next. While I have a lot left to live it has made the concept of death very poignant. It's just an overall sense of dread which goes back to my earlier statement, eternity is a really long time so you better be sure.

Today as I close out my day the thought that allows me to sleep is that I am sure (tonight). Just like the name of this blog says I know I'm not dying as much as I'm stepping from this life into eternity. It's simply another chapter, a bridge.

Drugs

2008-05-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

Guys I've mentioned I don't have it together here. This is sort of a journal for me as I walk through this thing (I keep calling it a thing, maybe that is somehow less frightening).

This weekend was another kind of frightening time for me. It's so weird. I don't doubt God, heaven, eternity, any of it. Yet I find myself dreading death. So silly I think.

Today is one of those days.

I had a thought- maybe if I'm confident in my salvation, the existence of God, and the eternity of heaven, the rest is physiological. After all I have been diagnosed with some sort of mild depression and obsessive tendencies (I told you I was being open).

Maybe after I feel confident in those the rest is up to Prozac?

Just a thought.

Mid-life

2008-05-18T17:00:00.001-07:00

In case you didn't know I'm 27. Not that old but for me I'm closing a chapter of my life. No longer can I be tired to my youth. Season-wise I'm about a third through. Maybe that's why I'm suddenly thinking about this so much.

A revalation

2008-05-18T16:49:00.000-07:00

I ask you to forgive the non sequitor way that some of these posts are going. Don't forget I've had almost three months now of history before I began this blog.

Last week, on Wednesday, I had an amazing revelation.

I was sitting with Sarah when all of a sudden all of the stress of these thoughts hit me like a tidal wave. To say I was crying would be like saying it's raining during a monsoon. In between sobs I was able to get out the fact that I knew death was coming. It was a static date in history.

I just kept saying, I don't want to go through it. Imagine something terrifying you knew you had to go through, the death of a friend, a divorce, being fired from work, whatever and multiple by 1,000. It was this dreadful thing in the distance that I can't slow down or deter. I can't outhink it or outtalk it. It's coming.

Like I said I lost it.

I kind of calmed down and Sarah went to get ready for bed. I stayed down to pray and had an amazing conversation with God. Then Luke 9:24 just started playing through my head. "He who wishes to save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for my sake, will save it." I just started giving up my life to God.

I don't care about what I want.

I've already discovered this life is a blip on the eternal radar screen. What does it matter. My treasure is in heaven. It was an amazingly freeing feeling.

Now each day I have to keep reminding myself to offer up my life because I have this bad habit of wanting to take it back.

Why I think atheists are wickety wack

2008-05-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

Ok so I said I'd tell you guys why I think the idea that there is no God is plain stupid. First I really don't mean to offend but I'm a really logical guy and I think God left us enough clue to discover His existence at some level. So here are a couple of things that I just can't get around, that for me are His fingerprints that I can't ignore.

Eternity- all by itself. The fact is there states that there must be a beginning. It all had to start somewhere. But, why and how? Let's take the scientific viewpoint and explore the Big Bang (by the way since I'm not writing a book these are my cliff's notes and won't fully explain every aspect). So there's are this material, more dense than a supernova (which by the way contains more mass than our solar system in the space of a teaspoon). STOP! Where did that come from? I mean it had to come from somewhere right? The primordial ooze had to start somewhere. I can't get past that point alone. It all had to start somewhere, which leads to the question of time. So here we are in this space in time. Why now? Why did the big bang go off when it did? I mean there was an eternal expanse before that, why then? You see, we need the wrapper of time around things or else everything just gets all wickety wack. But that wrapper actually creates the need for something to be able to step outside of it. Time can't create of itself but eternity can't exist without something that can exist in it, and we, under our laws of nature are not that.
The universe- along the same lines as eternity. Where does it end? If it goes on forever to me that proves the concept of eternity which proves the need for something that can exist in it. No lie, this stuff hurts my head but it makes sense to me. If it does end then something must hold it. Even if that something is not God then that something must end, and then the something that holds that something must end, again it proves eternity. Simply put our scientific world can't figure out eternity, it can't work in our world of time. Math can't compute it.
The concept of right and wrong- No matter what age or time or country there has been a known set of right and wrong that is strangely congruent with other ages, times and cultures set of right and wrong. A little less than 4,000 years ago (a really long time) Hammurabi's code was written. Many of the laws there are still relevant today. Furthermore, even Hammurabi acknowledged receiving this sense of right and wrong from a deity. The reason right and wrong are so poignant is that they aren't convenient. They aren't what we would like to do, it's what we know we ought to do. Stealing is obviously easier than working. Telling the truth can often have negative consequences. Yet in both cases we know which we ought to do and it is often at odds with what we want to do. Since right is an inconvenience it seems impossible that man would create these laws. Something outside of our convenience must have put those into place.

The combination of these powerful elements to me proves the existence of something outside our existence. Something that created us. As I said initially I don't have any trouble believing that that is Christ, God, not Allah or some other god. Based on my theology that is what is called the effectual call of the Holy Spirit. While I look at Christianity and long for it, desire it, find it beautiful (IT not the concepts or beliefs), all other religions look pale and flat and unappealing.

Let me say this in closing, I don't have it figured out. That's why I started this blog, I'm struggling and I think other people can relate to where I'm at right now. I think too, that where I'm at may help some who are still yet to be there.

Please post a comment, argue back, ask questions, tell me where you are, but in all of this do so prayerfully. Your answer will not come from me but God.

A small miracle

2008-05-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

I'm still kind of backlogging some of the stuff that's happened around this. The last two weeks have been hugely eventful.

About three weeks ago, I had this strong urge to be IN God's creation. So I went outside. I knew the earth and the universe were clues to God's existence.

As I lie in my driveway I prayed hard. I knew I shouldn't but I asked God for a sign, anything. I even prayed that I knew He didn't have to, He probably shouldn't even but how awesome would it be. You know a meatloaf shaped cloud or a shooting star. Simple stuff for the guy who created the universe.

I lied there for a while, about twenty minutes, scanning the sky. Notta.

I reluctantly got up and walked inside, turning at the door to say, You didn't have to but man it would have been cool.

Fast forward about two weeks to last Friday. Sarah and I are driving home from dinner with her parents. Heading north on I-85. Suddenly, almost blindingly a falling star fell right in front of me. It almost looked like it would eventually hit us.

Sarah exclaimed how beautiful, I wept. The God of the universe right there proclaimed to me His existence. Moreover he proclaimed His love for me.

I know the possibility of coincidence exists, but not to me. I knew God was speaking, almost audibly to me.

I still thank Him for the third shooting star I've ever seen.

The lost world

2008-05-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

I was thinking that maybe this whole thing about death and dying is foreign to a lot of people. So maybe you don't struggle with your faith like that.

But, a question, do you really think people are going to hell? Do you really believe that Ghandi and Hitler are there together? Do you believe that the lifelong thief next to Christ on the Cross isn't?

Do you even begin to comprehend the immensity of eternity? A really long time by the way. FOREVER!

I think if we really believed in heaven and hell and the reality of God we'd act differently towards the lost world. If we realized that our spouse, father, uncle, neighbor would suffer for all of eternity (a really long time) how bold might we be?

In many ways our boldness there shows the depth of our real faith, that Christ and heaven and hell are all realities to us.

A personal story

2008-05-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

This blog is a whole new departure for me. Different from my blog on marketing and design, this is on my life, and my struggle. It's actually really personal. I've been told that's a bad blog, but I think what I have here can be a testament to others.

I'm actually struggling with my faith. Not whether or not I believe in God, that is Jesus Christ and the Trinity but to what extent am I willing to live that out and to what depth CAN I believe.

About two months ago I found a strange lump on my throat. It was becoming pretty hard to swallow and so I made an appointment with a doctor.

The night before the appointment lying in bed I began to imagine death, in intimate detail. Only last year a friend and workout partner, about 31, strong as an ox, had been diagnosed with cancer. I saw him once more before he died a few months later.

I imagine that death will feel a lot like being put to sleep for surgery. You'll want to stay awake but won't be able to and once you fall asleep, all consciousness is lost. So, if that's what the last moments feel like, what do the NEXT moments feel like?

What does stepping from here to eternity feel like?

The question alone made me panic. I begged God for my salvation and for His love. I also realized I wasn't confident anyone was listening. My faith was tiny.

To say I didn't believe in God would be a misstatement. I certainly didn't believe in anything else. That's just not hard for me. I don't believe that Allah or Buddha is God. My fear was more that nothing was there, which consciously I knew was absolutely stupid.

For those atheists and agnostics out there that seem and insult and I'm sorry. I'll explain why that isn't hard for me later.

Eternity is big. REALLY big. The gravity of the concept forever was just too much. I don't decide on car insurance without talking to someone. I don't buy a house until I've seen it. The idea that I'm making a choice (*my beliefs actually state that I don't have a choice, that once called by God his glory is so beautiful that I am not able to resist it, called irresistible grace) that will effect all of eternity, by the way a really long time, seemed impossible to comprehend.

I panicked.

For two months.

I didn't sleep, or eat, everyday things were framed in a constant fear and panic. The world actually looked a little more gray.

Words on a screen can't express the depth of this emotion.

So in all this I feel that my struggle can be a testament to others. For those who aren't sure, you aren't alone. That doesn't mean you're right but your struggle is the result of the longing you have. You live in a fallen world.

My goal in this opening post is to set the stage. Being a little more into this I've already had some amazing things happen, I've had some amazing panic attacks. But, in all this God is calling me closer to himself and into a deeper relationship with Him.

My biggest question has been if I'm destined for Glory why even go through this frail and impotent world of paper shadows. Tonight I got my answer: for His glory.

So this is my journal, to be a testament to the world, as I step from here to eternity.

*p.s. the CAT scan and blood work came out clean.